excerpt from a letter to my sweetheart

I was lost. I had nowhere to go. I walked among the zombies in the garden for too long. i followed the cracks in the sidewalk. hung out with rats. looking into faces for something i couldn't find in myself. i drank. took other drugs too. because the night is boring. and sunlight reveals nothing. stumbling down the path, toward the city. i collect bits and pieces with altered senses. walking past the garbage cans and homeless people. birds flying above. women with flowing hair. my mind wandering other landscapes. searching for something, always. i can feel the blood in my body, the flesh pulled over my skull. minute by minute. i experience the mystery of life. visions and feelings rise and disappear. i could speak my own unknown language, but instead, i will communicate with discipline and a precise anarchy. from the hole of my soul. i want to tell you what i've seen. where i've been... later... i found myself in a theater, still intoxicated, a cheap porno projected on the spinning screen. when i went to get up i was stuck to the seat. i tried to understand my situation within the broken lines of reality...

xo

reporting
from the island
of victoria
new dawns
on this
misted horizon

don't worry
i will cut off
little pieces
of myself
and mail them
to you

i will
spit in the ocean
and speak
only of secrets
sign my name
in blood
on my last letter

i will watch
obscure
pornography
brainwash myself
with repetition
and fear

violate
the landscape
of your
distant body
a thousand times
like violent footsteps
that break a new path

maybe
i could
save myself
before these
pieces run out
but then i would
have no reason to live

subconscious subtitles # 3087 ...

in the dirty room
i taste jealousy
and regret
in her white skins
salty sweat
watching
soldiers with guns
and bombs
in the oily
desert heat
here and there
five thousand
miles away
two different
kinds of wars
sitting on the couch
wanting
to punch the tv
and disappear

fireworks flashing
pom poms
from the chants
of phantom cheerleaders
a dead dog
and a football helmet
in orbit of the red sun
napalm trees
all flowing
in the glowing
ocean breeze
and later
crooked stars
and the moon
stabbing silver knives
through my
empty crystal skull

i've painted myself
into a corner
with my masterpiece
and my revolver
screaming
goodnight forever
her bruised tongue
piercing
the junkyard
of thoughts
with barbed wire lips
i am a prisoner
in her naked
concentration camp

2.

on the dirty streets, the parade of bodies march up and down in the cold ass night... it all hangs in my numb eyes like an ugly painting, the streetlights and dark alleys... girls in heels with long legs and short skirts... faces half drowned in the shadows and sparkling with an evil glow... cars drive past... assholes honking horns and shouting from the half open windows, stupid fucking grins stapled onto their mouths, hair like porcupine roadkill... the gang of idiots looking in every car mirror with glorious ideas of themselves... down toward the river, there's a spotty row of bars, swirling multicolor lights spitting on the dancefloors and out the windows... all of it deadended with a park, elaborate gardens and a brick walkway winding beside a black railing overlooking the water, where homeless people lean like potential suicides, looking at the city lights and stars reflecting off its deep, dark surface... old statues and sculptures standing on the black grass, frozen in the moonlight... we slowly continued down the police infested sidewalk, finally making it to the club... and as we walked in, i felt like a spider getting sucked down a sewer drain...

we squeezed through the crowd and found an open table, the worst in the place... jim ordered a pitcher, and soon enough, there it was, with four glasses lined up and our money taken away... watching the waitress's ass go along with it... i poured mine first, and then theirs... the music drowning out any other noise, we screamed at eachother trying to convey the simplest of things... eventually we all just drank and looked around, occasionally at our own reflections in the window... jim and his girl, kady, joined the epileptics on the dancefloor and began convulsing themselves... couples making out like they were performing some kind of mutual, life saving mouth to mouth resuscitation on eachother... bambi gave me a look... i wasn't sure whether it was just courtesy, or if she wanted something... i drank the rest of my beer, putting on a fake smile... she smiled back... out of boredom, i was about to try my luck... her eyes blinking like a slot machine...

i found myself pushed up against a wall behind her... hands on her hips, her ass in my blue jeans... she was a violent dancer, bouncing off my groin with excited ferocity... she turned around, the silver necklace on her neck swaying back and forth above her breasts, hypnotizing me... i took the liberty of lifting up her skirt a little, my hands on her thighs moving up toward her ass... we kissed... and then we kissed again... she bit my lips and stuck her tongue inside my mouth, licking my teeth wildly... she grabbed onto my lip and wouldn't let go... pushed me against the wall, turned around again and resumed the dance, crushing me... at some point she caught sight of some of her friends and they drunkenly dragged her away, hugging and kissing cheeks... i stumbled back to my seat...

jim joined me a while later, we ordered another pitcher and checked my blurry watch... we filled up and knocked our glasses together... discreetly scanning for our women through the maze of people... the girls must have miraculously found eachother out there, and come wandering back, sitting down in the empty chairs beside us... they were still talking to eachother, eventually turning their heads to acknowledge us... i poured them a beer and topped me and jim off... kady put her mouth in jim's ear and they disappeared... i guess bambi saw this and pulled hers over to mine, spewing a few syllables... her words flowing out like the liquid in her glass... and in a certain string of nonsense, my brain began to scramble and my stomach turned... i got up, quickly walked out the door and leaned on the cold fence around the patio... desperately pulling out a cigarette, i pushed it between my lips and struggled to light it in the wind... all the people moved in silent slow motion, blank stares aimed at me and then thrown away... i swallowed and tried to focus, accidentally burning a hole in my sleeve... i looked down at it with alot of pain, like somebody had shot me...

nothing seemed to be happening... after a while, i steadied my breathing and walked calmly back inside, scoping out the table where i had left her talking to the wall... i put one foot in front of the other until i got back to my seat... i looked at the table and then at her, passed out face down... her long hair pointing at her drink... i picked it up and finished it...

1.

i'm staring at the ceiling... i've just woken up... back from dreams of flying and dying... the sound of birds and people and traffic outside my open window, a square of light breaking in and slowly moving across the wall... i'm thinking and thinking, conversations and situations from last night playing out in my head... i become aware of the tongue in my mouth, and the taste of it... blood circulating through my horizontal body, heart pumping and brain hurting... too many drinks, i feel like scum, grime and sweat down to my bones... i crawl out of bed, and stumble to the toilet, catching a glimpse of my face in the mirror, slamming the door... all of a sudden, it's too quiet... i break the silence with a heavy flow of fluorescent piss, shut my eyes hard and open them back up to a dirty white wall... flush... her dirty mouth is still haunting me... something about it, both repulsing and magnetic, red lipstick and white teeth, like a pair of bloody eels swimming lazily between her nose and chin... i crawl back beside her on the mattress, flick on the tv, flipping through for some sports or something, and there's this girl on one of the channels, spitting image of her... and there's an overwhelming fear from inside me that turns everything to static...

i went to work, sunglasses and coffee, police sirens and a slow crowd... tourists happily fucking my day up... rushing down the sidewalk with a zig zagged ricochet, bumping into people, i finally got there, through the revolving door and down the humming escalator... i waited to land at the bottom, where the pack of women with purses, hairdos, bras and breasts clickety clacked all around the marble floors... talking to eachother with false enthusiasm... with those mouths...

*

i walked back to my apartment, a cold and lonely walk... even though the crowd was still quite thick, i felt as though i floated with the snow, completely by myself, looking into shop windows with only the company of mannequins... i imagined the line outside of a club, me at the front, with my golden ticket for my golden drink and special golden seat at the bar... the girl of my dreams on the stool next to me, spinning mechanically to look deep into my gaze, her hair like a collection of live black wires... as soon as i walked in the door, i pulled a bottle from the freezer, took off my clothes and poured myself a drink...

they showed up dressed up, three different perfumes and colognes... i backed away... back to my drink, looking up occasionally and saying something... even the dim light on the ceiling was too much for me, so i walked out to the balcony again and lit up, watching the scene down below... i spit off the side and watched it drop, imagining what would happen to my ragdoll body if that was me... the girl came out to keep me company... it was quiet and i didn't have much to say, but i did get her name, "bambi"... she took a drag of my smoke... her lipstick leaving a bloodlike ring around the filter... she handed it back, i dropped it and watched it's tiny light fall into a snowbank... her hair was blowing in the cold wind... she had that look in her eyes... we went back inside, and all of us had a few more drinks, talking about boring things, like work and relationships... i stayed pretty quiet, drinking my drink and waiting to get drunk enough to actually want to go out... eventually i was, and we did...

time

the room is dark
and quiet
a big red carpet
covers the floor

i'm sitting
in a golden chair
looking up
at the hole in the roof

later on
it's raining
i place a bucket
under the leak

and watch it fill
drop by drop
with the patience
of a corpse

exile

they put
my head
in a suitcase

where
martini oceans
house
killer sharks
with
no teeth
just
big lady lips

and
businessmen
migrate
like vultures
looking
in cocaine
mirrors
for
their own
temporary
death

and me
stuck
on this
concrete
island
with its
pornographic
flag
my own voice
crackling
through the
payphone

it's my one
and only call
from
a metaphoric
prison
asking myself
how i ever
became
a gangster
for
whores and
tortured men

love sick

i live
_among the rats
__a citizen
___of the ghetto

____the girl
_____beside me
______is like a snake

_______we duel
________in silence
_________her red lipstick
__________like a fresh bite

a symphony
_of voices
__and our wandering
___rhythm

____as we slither
_____down the strip
______sipping cheap wine

and outside her door
_in the yellow light
__her kiss
___is poisonous

____she lies me down
_____on the
______unmade bed

_______her green
________satin dress
_________like a skin
__________that she sheds

salivation

she whispered
into my ear
the meaning
of our wrists

why
temptation
is stronger than
redemption

that
the sky is a cage
and the ocean
is made of tears

she said this
in the night
on the street
walking away

me
shouting back
through the
black heat

that
her mother
was a
murderer

her father
was a drunk
and we
were martyrs

living off of
drugs and sex
like animals
of love

last call

sitting
2 am
looking
out
through the
flashing lights
and darkness
last drink
in front of
me on the bar

eyes wander
and focus
on the girl
on the dancefloor
with the blank
stare
highheels connected
to her legs
perfecting
her clumsiness

the disco
light show
shooting off her
red dress
and hoop earrings
she is the angel
of the 2 am
intoxicated
x eyed
panting, dreaming
losers

i know better
than to take
her seriously
i've seen her
dirty tricks before
stepping outside
into the cold
and quickly
down the street
to my cigarette
and single bed

i lay here
smoking
watching
headlights of cars
coming thru
the window
and for a second
her gypsy shadow
dancing
on my wall

mexico

high, on a hill
with a drink

and later
in the car
on the way
to nowhere

we
got to
a deadend
so we turned around

went back
to somewhere
and did
some more drugs

and
the night
dissolved
into nothing

blackout

welcome to my headquarters
shiny with starlight
reflecting off the snow, untouched
surrounding the house

the door is locked
cigarettes and coffee
and over the silence
I'm thinking illegal thoughts

when it gets most quiet
I hear a haunting melody
find me through the wind
before i disconnect

domestic minute

reading the newspaper
celebrities
and atrocities...

in a daydream
i painted a picture
the size of the wall
and dull reality
cut it to pieces
now it's a puzzle

standing up
i see myself, like
a ghost in the coffee table

then i remember
looking through the keyhole
at your naked body
and sit back down
in the chair
where i'm supposed to be

fairytale

when we first met
i smiled at her
and she frowned
and then she told me
ever since she
could remember
she had always had
a fear of clowns

and then we decided
to settle down
we had a daughter
and every morning
we sent her to the well
to get some water
but one day
she brought back
the bucket full of blood

we walked to the well
and pointed a flashlight
into the darkness
and at the bottom
we saw the clown
bleeding and lifeless
this was the first time
i ever heard her laughter
and then we lived
happily ever after

history

i hid in the trees
walked over bridges
and through the fields
i remember the way
the sun hit
the concrete
and the grass

i sat on the steps
watching everybody else
playing their games
smoked a joint
by the road
with only thoughts
in my head
the seasons rolled by
like the
cars

i feel fossilized
encrusted with rust
sometimes
in the light
there's still a dim twinkle
in my stony eyes
i would like to catch
it in a jar
like a burning butterfly
and watch it die